so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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