Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
BRING THE BAGELS
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
