Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
