dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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