Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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