what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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