So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
