hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
