she was so not down for the gang bang
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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