my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize