i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
