DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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