Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
