Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
