My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
