If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
