Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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