When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize