her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
