My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
