I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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