He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
