You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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