My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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