my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
