I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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