i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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