I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
