Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
