its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
