Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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