I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I can't turn off my feet"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
