Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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