Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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