Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Ladies don't puke and tell
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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