I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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