this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
