Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
