3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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