Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
