Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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