Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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