Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
