pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
