is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
