And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
