Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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