Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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