She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
