well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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