Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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