I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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