I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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