o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
