How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
