Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
