Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
