I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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