Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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